The Past Three Months Have Been a Lie

The University of Central Arkansas just founded a BYX chapter in late January. To survive the first couple of years, a new chapter needs a strong group founding fathers. These guys need to be consistent for maybe three years while inconsistency in recruiting get worked out. It's not really until the third or fourth pledge class that real growth and commitment can be seen from the group as a whole. Anyway, what I'm saying is UCA has what it takes to make it. They have this strong group of committed founding fathers. Some of them have changed their life schedules - will now attend graduate school at UCA - in order to facilitate and grow the Alpha Gamma chapter.

Last night the UCA BYX chapter had it's first big campus event, Starbyx. It was an outdoor concert, with couches and acoustic music and girls - GIRLS! I had seen pictures, but in real life they're more beautiful than I'd imagined.

Three of us from Arkansas went down. Difani, Burton and I had all served on the last executive officer core together; Burton had been tapped by the Alpha Gamma chapter to play in a line up of three bands.

Burton is the one holding the chips. That's what he was paid in. You can find his music here. If you do visit his MySpace and see his album cover, I'll tell you a secret. The t-shirt he's wearing - he bought it off a homeless person. It looks like it was drawn on with a Sharpie marker, which is most likely true. He paid twenty dollars for it.

This is a continuing relationship between our chapter and UCA. In late January, we took six guys down to UCA to help lead the initiation ceremony for the founding fathers. It's secret ceremony, so I can't talk about it, but I created an ambigram that reveals the truth. You have to find it first (buried in the basement of Old Main).

The night before initiation that January, Difani and I drove down alone. He wanted to hang out with the fathers, some of whom he knew from high school, and I had a blind date, set up by my sister. This girl played volleyball for UCA - that was what sealed the deal. My dad said, "Think of my grandchildren!" He wants athletes.

I took this girl to Stoby's, a sandwich/burger shop with great cheese dip and pie. We went there specifically for the appertisers and desserts - I'm not even sure we ate an entree. We had good conversation, and there was never any lulls or awkward moments, but the best part - the part that made the whole date worth it - came at the end of the meal. Our waitress brought us a piece of pie and said, "We all voted you cutest couple of the night, so you get a free piece of pie." At this point I wasn't head over heels for the girl, but the Cutest Couple award was the best thing to happen to me so far into 2010. The next day, of course, I told that story to any of the UCA initiates who would listen. Difani and his friends just said, "That's awesome, man."

Driving back from Conway last night, Difani brought that up. He asked me if I remembered my date, then made me retell the story to Burton. Of course I got excited again thinking about my reward, and played the story up, ending with the punchline, "Cutest Couple of the Night!" At this point Difani started laughing uncontrollably. He said he had something to confess. I thought he had seen her, or someone I knew was dating her. Those things mattered not to me.

He said that that night, I had been facing away from the door, and he and four or five of the UCA founding fathers had walked into Stoby's. They sat directly behind me and watched the whole date. I never turned around. Near the end, they grabbed their waitress and told her to serve us a piece of pie on them, to say whatever she wanted but to give us the pie for free.

He said they were going to tell me the next day, but I was so estatic about the free piece of pie that they couldn't burst my bubble. They had a meeting later, all of them, and decided to never tell anyone.

I sat in silence. Difani asked me to say something, and I said I was furious. He asked if it was because I was the joke, and I said no - I honestly believed I had won Cutest Couple of the night. The fact that it was a fake award - that I really wasn't a part of the cutest couple - devestated me. Even now I cannot get over it; I realize Stoby's doesn't give out a weekly Cutest Couple Award, but I really thought that our waitress thought my date and I looked good together. I mean, I tipped her really well.

However, Difani suggested I use this story to reopen communications with the blind date. I think she has a right to know.

UCA Initiation Successful, Yet Messy

The UCA BYX chapter, which started last March, was finally initiated yesterday by the nationals organization. Since we're only two hours away, a few of my brothers and I went down to Conway, as a part of fellowship, yes, but mostly to escape the eight inches of snow in Fayetteville. I had cabin fever after two days in one house. I can only lose to my dad in spades so many times.

(As it turns out, I can only lose to him every time. He's unbeatable. He counts cards, which is illegal in Vegas, when playing a completely different game.)

Because of the weather and road conditions, only six of us were able to go. Jordan, who served as an executive officer, and I were able to take part in leading the ceremony with the nationals. Given the mysterious nature of the ceremony, I'm making this multiple choice. We either A) lit candles, B) tortured and humiliated a white tailed deer, or C) removed all the hair off of the UCA founding fathers. Hint: hot wax was involved.

Afterwards, I put aloe vera on my burns and we all went to Dairy Queen. There were maybe three high schoolers working; they were planning to close early. I laughed in their face and said, "Here's a tip," and gave them a one dollar bill, but on the dollar I wrote, "Look out behind you!" then I threw a brick through the drive through window. Dang it - I just revealed the Inititiation ceremony.

There were 15 UCA bucs initiated as founding fathers. As soon as UCA recognizes them, they'll give out bids to maybe 12 freshmen and sophomores. Those are impressive numbers. But what's more impressive is that at Dairy Queen we ate an entire 10" ice cream cake. Ate it. 10". Dairy Queen. The UCA bucs all order blizzards or blasts or frostbites, whatever the mixes are called. They're all the same. But my brothers and I banded together and bought the cake. The workers didn't tell us the cake came completely frozen. I guess that's what I get for pouring hot wax on a deer. Dang it!

After a few broken plastic spoons, we switched to pocket knives and a stainless steel spatula, but it quickly became apparent that this was a bad idea. In fact, this idea made other bad ideas look like good ideas. Seeing me claw at the cake, Nationals told me they didn't mind the hairless chests and cries of pain. We had Dairy Queen microwave the cake for us, but our hopes were low, until T.J. Beringer, the new UCA Pledge Captain, said something to me. I don't exactly remember what it was, but it was along the lines of, "I bet you regret that," or, "Cass, you have shamed your tribe and I will forever trod in shoes made from the skin of your bloated carcass." Something like that.

It was on.

By the time everyone else had finished their ice cream, we had managed to eat the edges and the candy topping, which was a chocolate heart that said, I Love You. Talk about brotherhood. We used the spatula to cut the cake, but we ate it with our hands. I had chocolate ice cream all over my suit jacket. But I persevered. Eventually, I stood on a table and proclaimed to all present that I was not leaving until the cake was gone. They could lock me in, if they wanted, but did they really want that? I'd only just eat more cake, and I could find more bricks. The workers eventually saw it my way.

The best demonstration of brotherhood I've seen: the UCA bucs, one by one, came to the cake and offered out their hands, and each took a portion and ate. It was like a chocolate communion. In fact, this leads me to believe that the precipitating incident of the Last Supper was Jesus standing on the table and yelling, "I am not leaving this upper room until all this bread and wine is gone! Do this in remembrance of me!"

When we were finished, the bathrooms were locked. I washed my hands in the soda fountain.