Not Only am I Back, But I'm Standing Right Behind You

I'm kidding, just kidding. Really I'm underneath your bed, and I'll grab your ankles before you lay down to take a nap tomorrow afternoon. Don't believe me? THEN LOOK UNDER THERE.

But seriously. I spent the last three months at a summer camp, and boy do I love children. They taste like veal. I have many stories of silly things campers did and extremely stupid things counselors did, and hopefully over the next few weeks I'll share some of those if I feel like it. Honestly some days I wake up and everything feels like a lie. Those are the days I just make up stuff while I type.

A few of my friends and I went to see The Expendables last night for four dollars, and was it ever worth four dollars! I half expected to hear Terry Crews lament, "If I had a nickel for every torso I exploded," and then I would hand him my four dollars and search around in my pocket for fifty five more cents. I'm still having trouble processing what happened. By the time the credits came around, I was astonished - they actually hired a writer. Someone got paid. Have you ever seen a movie or read a book and thought, I could do better? Well that wasn't The Expendables. You can't script improvisational genius. I'm pretty sure no one tried to script Mickey Rourke. All of his scenes were probably filmed in his home, and all the dialogue was actually him speaking frankly to Stallone on candid camera. But why am I talking about this?

Halfway through the summer my plans for next year changed. I was planning on working for BYX Nationals as a chapter consultant, but in late June I was notified that I received a Fulbright grant. Most people that I tell are from Arkansas, and assume this means the Fulbright Arts and Sciences College at the University, but nay, it's actually a government program. It's pretty prestigious, but I don't say that for myself - I was an alternate's alternate. The only reason I got the scholarship was because eighteen other people turned it down; the last one said, "Why don't you give it to Cass? We'll all get a laugh from that."

The grant I have will send me to Turkey for nine months. I'll be teaching English in a university there. I'll be in southeast Turkey, right next to the borders of Iraq and Iran, so I'll be sure to get you a souvenir. I hear crossing the border is as easy as one two three months in prison. However, instead of writing about a fraternity, I'll now be writing about a foreign culture. I hope that's cool with you.

I may not be deserving of this grant, but do you know who else won a Fulbright scholarship, fair and squizare? Dolph Lungdren, who portrayed Gunner in The Expendables while wearing a rubber Gary Busey mask. Dolph has a masters degree in chemical engineering, and won a Fulbright to attend MIT, but quit after two weeks because Stallone asked him to punch murder Apollo Creed. That's the kind of spring board I'm hoping this turns out to be.